If you had told me a few years ago
That in so many ways I was like my mother
I would have laughed in your face,
Adding in a bit of my breathless and squeaky voice
And the flare of my multiple laughs
Just to emphasize the mere absurdity of that thought.
I would have told you that there was no way
Our paths would align
Because of those few moments she didn’t have my back
And said the words that wounded my heart
Even though a few days later she could not remember saying that
She unintentionally drew us apart
And I was more than eager to grow apart.
Our relationship died just like that:
An unobtrusive death
There was nothing to revive
No broken pieces to glue together or join again as one.
If you had told me so many years ago
That I would follow the same path as my mother
I would have protested so much,
And maybe you would have seen the glint of anger in my eyes.
But as I see so much of her in the one I call “I”
Strongly, I wish I could go back in time
To understand why in my eyes she was always so compromised,
Why her strength never stood out in my eyes,
Or her sacrifices for my siblings and me,
Why my vivid memories of her are from when she hurt me so much
And not when she gave up her life for mine.
Sometimes I am filled with guilt inside
For all the times she was the villain and I held her to that,
Before I could get past the flaws that are also part of her.
She is a woman I truly admire,
Her strength. Her hopefulness. Her success. Her will to fight.
When I can find no reason to live my life
I resolve to live for her
Because I am always convinced that things will turn out fine.
If you tell me I am like my mother
I will smile with delight
Because I will imagine that I bear my strengths and weaknesses with pride
Just like her,
My flaws and vulnerabilities as part and parcel of one to love and be loved.
I am my mother’s daughter,
A walking skeleton of contradictions
That I am growing to love.