I feel like I haven’t cultivated my dreams in a while. Maybe I’ve felt like there
was nothing to cultivate but maybe there is. The salted earth is not as barren. The seeds are
just sitting waiting for sunlight and water to let them take root. And maybe my soil isn’t
salted just because the big beautiful plant in the garden, that I had to tend to so frequently,
died. Maybe I just didn’t tend it as well. Maybe I didn’t want to. I didn’t
want to. It took up too much time. It crowded out my dreams of actually sleeping without waiting
for a pager. It crowded out my dreams of luxury. Sure it would have provided for the money
but what about the time to enjoy that money? If somebody else gets hired just to design and
build your house even if it’s an amazing designer and firm and they make a beautiful
house it isn’t yours in spirit. It won’t have those beautiful white and black contrasts
in stones you like so much or the fungus-ed up pine wood floors that are purple veined. So,
no — that plant was crowding out the tinier little hopes and excitements and luxuries
I had planned. And even if it could have been moved I wasn’t sure I liked the shape it
was taking on or the overwhelming care it required. Why couldn’t it just grow with some
sunlight and water. So there. There it is. I want a path that’s less attention stealing.
I want a path that if I want to water the petunias all day my big ambition won’t wilt
and die. But I want one that responds to my touch. Because I am the gardener who doesn’t
forget and doesn’t easily take a day off. But at some point the motivation to tend my
flowers has to be because I want to and I love it, and not conflated with “well they
need it, so I have to.” So how do you water them? I think sunshine is a general way of
happy life that will help you succeed no matter what. What is the water? Is it thinking about
them? Do I need special fertilizers? And how do I know which ones are weeds? Maybe I should
look at the tiny germs I have.

I need to cultivate my friendships. Being an extrovert gets me a lot of acquaintances but
where are the friends I want who will be there for me. I have to be intentional about them
and be onto them as they would onto me. And more than being intentional I have to show them.
And to ask them to do things and keep asking when they say no.

Cooking is a seedling that would love to get all the water in the pail. But I should keep
it as beautiful if not as big as it might like to get. I’d like it as a hobby but not
as a job. I should learn to do more with vegetables. I should teach Kyle to cook. We should
also get out and try cuisines around town.

I love going out and dancing. The feeling of whirling around and singing with your friends.
So this semester I should go out on a weekly basis. I should dance in my room whenever I feel
like it. And I should work on a list of those to call when I want to go out.

What about the ones I’d like to pick up at the nursery and sprinkle into my soil?

The employment patch has a few stragglers that have had their beautiful and their needy ugly
moments. What kind of plant would really make me happy? And what things do some people worry
about that aren’t such a big deal to me? I like productivity. I like independence but
in a social setting. I like competition and a place to shine from. I want room for advancement
or a ladder to climb. I’d want a group of people my age and training. I do want free
parking. I don’t want to bring too much home with me. Maybe I’d want to invent
or develop new products.

The bed outside of jobs: I don’t want to travel per se; I want to experience. I really
just want to live in a sweet unique city for six months or a year. Mainly in the US. I just
don’t want to settle down in one place until I’m ready to really examine my options.
I want to be able to put in the temporary flowers that might be cheaper before I make more
expensive installations. I do want warmth. I want tons of things to do and just a beautiful
place to walk through. Someplace young where there are other people my age and of my mindset.

I desire freedom but competition, love but performance. My garden is a work in progress.